Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Baby Watch 2011

No, I am not having a baby. Let's just clear that up right off the bat.

However - if you ask any member of my family, they would tell you that they are hoping, praying, and wishing for me to have a baby every single second of every single day.

Little did I know before I was married, that the minute you become betrothed, you suddenly enter into this new reality where your uterus is not only up for discussion, it is a valuable family commodity.

It comes from every angle. I can feel the laser hot glances if I only order water in a restaurant. If I ever don't feel well or have an upset stomach, surely I must be pregnant. God forbid I gain a few pounds or buy myself a padded bra...

The worst offenders? Ma Familia. Here's a little breakdown for you:

My Dad: After years of worrying about his two teenage daughters, my Dad has now been able to let go of the fear that I would one day come to him, unmarried and still in college, and tell him I was pregnant (I believe this to be the ultimate fear for all Fathers). However, this is one pendulum that has swung so far in the opposite direction that at times, I don't even recognize it. My strict, curfew-enforcing, tough love Dad has become a ball of mush. He wants a grandchild and reminds me of this constantly. To my surprise, he is one of the worst offenders.

My Mom: She is actually the least insane about the topic...I think. Maybe the fact that she actually carried me for 9 months and gave me life gives her a little bit in leniency in this department, but the pressure is still on from her as well. In fact, I do believe it was just yesterday she said to me, "Oh - Easter will be so much more fun when there are little ones around." Mmmmmkkaaaay...

My Step-Mom: She has two favorite tactics that she uses often. 1) "Oh Jocie - you're Dad is so excited to have a little grand baby," and 2) "I will be a full-time baby-sitter so you won't even have to worry about daycare!" Ah yes...the guise of caring, concern and DAYCARE promises! I'm on to you lady!!!

My sister: Okay...this one makes no attempt to hide her feelings on the topic: she wants me knocked up quicker than you can say "baby." As is the case with sisters, there is really no filter. No pretense. No secret messages...at least not with my sister and me. Nope - it is the whole truth and nothing by the truth. "Jocelyn - just have a baby! I will babysit! I want to be an Auntie! Why can't you just do it? I'm really good with kids! I will change the diapers!" Uh huh...

My Brother: Yes...that's right. My brother. My 20 year old, sophomore in college brother. Even he has hopped aboard the baby train. "My roommate is already an uncle and I want to be an uncle too! I will be such a good uncle!" Excuse me, young child, but aren't you supposed to be thinking about girls and cramming for finals and, and, and ANYTHING else besides babies!?!?! What is going ON!?!?!

Now - don't get me wrong - I plan on having kids. I have always known it was something I wanted and something that is in the plans. The FUTURE plans. Last time I checked, I've only been married for a year. Last time I checked, I've only been working on building my career for 6 years. Last time I checked, I remembered how much I love being able to sleep in on the weekends, travel, go for drinks with friends whenever I want to, see movies, stay up until the wee hours of the night drinking Pinot Noir and playing Nintendo Wii bowling with my husband just because we feel like it.

Why doesn't anyone ever tell you about this? It's like a secret society amongst married women - however it's operated more like the draft than the volunteer army.

So, dear family, just back it up a bit. This is not 1955 and there are just a few things I need to cross off my bucket list first.

Please and thank you.

9 comments:

  1. I hear ya, and completely understand. And you know what? As soon as you have your first child, they will start planning for the second. How many times do I hear, "Oh, it will be so nice for Max to have a little sister or brother..." and, "Oh my, Max is a cutie, I wonder what his siblings will look like?" Good grief, people! :) You know how much I love my little guy, but we really appreciated the time we had pre-baby to lay the foundation of a strong marriage apart from kiddos. A baby changes everything, and its good to have some time together just you and Dan. :)

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  2. PamelaBwell@gmail.comApril 26, 2011 at 10:04 AM

    My Darling Daughter!

    I love you so much and you are so hilarious that I just KNOW you got your Sense of Humor from My Side! You know it's true, just like you know that Easter really IS more fun with little ones around.

    Thanks for getting that I am not pushing but do allow me the room to look forward to what you know we truly all will love.

    As for your Step-Mom, we all know Maggie is the most baby-crazy of the bunch and she is not kidding you with that offer of free daycare. She would quit her job -- much to your Dad's dismay -- to take care of grandbabies! And she really WILL use ANY tactic to become Grandma Maggie!

    But you do have me in the right category! Enjoy your new marriage! Have some wine! (within moderation) Sleep in! Enjoy Life! Work that career we paid good money to prepare you for!

    I am completely content to be a
    Nonna-in-waiting

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  3. This is the most hilarious blog post ever, and the sweetest - especially the comment from your mom.

    I totally understand both sides. Your line "the minute you become betrothed, you suddenly enter into this new reality where your uterus is not only up for discussion, it is a valuable family commodity." made me laugh so hard I got tears in my eyes. I remember those days.

    I also know first hand where your mom is coming from. I want grandchildren so bad I can hardly stand it. But with no children married or even with prospects, it isn't going to happen any time soon. And so, like your mom, I'm content to be a Granny-in-waiting.

    In the meantime, have all the fun you possibly can. and then when you're ready, Easter will indeed be SO MUCH FUN with your little ones.

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  4. haha you are so funny! Enjoy your time with your hubby!

    Luvs!

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  5. you wasted so much time writing this when you could be getting pregnant.

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  7. MY FAMILY TOO! My mom has announced a 5 year plan for grandchildren from me and my sister....of which we are 3 years into, and neither of us are anywhere near getting pregnant. She is just ITCHING for grandkids. She also announced this plan to my bf when she was tipsy on wine. How lovely. haha!

    But so far, most of the pressure from people is "when are you getting engaged?" I too ask the bf the same question, quite bluntly. HAHA!

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  8. When my older sister got married I remember feeling so anxious for her to start popping out babies. As a aunt you get all the excitement and non of the nausea.

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  9. Hahaha.

    Alright, Joc, as much as I want you to have a kid so I can be the best damned Uncle on the planet (literally, I get so excited thinking about taking your kids to the park or Toys r' Us).

    HOWEVER, I do realize that a healthy marriage has to have a good starting foundation, and that means have time to just be a couple. So, you have my special permission to take your time with the kids, because I want you to be happy and get out of life everything that you can. Be a wife, and Dan be a husband, and focus on that. All jokes aside, have kids when you're both ready.

    With that said, make some god damn babies!

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