I'm trying really hard.
I'm trying to be happy it is Christmas - this holiday that I have deeply loved my whole life.
I'm trying to look around and see all of the beauty. I'm trying.
The truth is, Dan and I found out that the US Embassy in London is backlogged in paperwork and they have pushed him being allowed to come here about another 2 months. We thought he would be here for Christmas.
We thought that for sure he'd be here by New Year's.
It has now been over a year we have been involved in this immigration process and will be the second Christmas in a row that the government has kept us apart.
Isn't it funny that the second you become more committed to the person they start telling you that you are not allowed to do about 20 million different things?
To say that news crushed us a little bit is an understatement. But we are trying. We have to. We have to keep hoping that they will give us the okay soon. We have to believe it is just around the corner for us. We have to feel resolute in our diligence of doing everything the legal and correct way.
So - there is my cloud. Now for the silver lining.
If there is one thing that I can say I have learned this year, it has been a true and unyielding perspective of what is really important in my life.
It is not anything that can be perfectly wrapped and put under the Christmas tree. It cannot be baked and decorated. It cannot be polished and displayed.
It is not money and it is most definitely not possessions.
It is people. The people you love. The people who know you and love you for who you are and support you and care for you. The people who will confront you when you are wrong, even if you don't want to hear it. The people who will still love you despite it all and who will always be there, despite it all.
That is truly what matters at the end of the day.
No amount of money could get Dan here sooner. We have tried. Suddenly little things like my house looking perfectly decorated and getting gifts for Christmas just doesn't hold the same weight as in years past. Sure next year I will probably be back in Christmas mode full swing, but this year of 2009, it has been all about growing up and learning lessons. It's been about sacrifice and saving.
It's been about learning what is important and taking comfort in the solid resolution that what I have waiting for me - and what I have been fighting for - is the most worthwhile cause that has ever come into my life. It is about trusting that this too, shall pass. It is about love.
So, my Christmas wish for you all this year is that you take a moment to take stock of those around you. Give yourself a moment to pause from the madness and tell those close to you that you love them. Give them a hug. Cherish their presence. Savor their being. Delight in their existence in your life.
It is, after all, what Christmas should be about.
May you all have peace in your hearts and a lovely Christmas.