Wednesday, September 23, 2009

There's A New Sheriff in Town

I had another meeting with our immigration lawyer today and filled out about 8,029 applications for the 15th time because apparently different government agencies cannot and do not talk to each other in any way, shape or form therefore we must answer the same questions over and over and over and...

These questions run the gamut from, "What is your birthday?" to "How many times have you left the country in the last 10 years?" to "Have you had any affiliation with any groups inflicting violence against Haitian people?"

These are all reasonable questions and I respect the need for them to be asked, but after answering them for the umpteenth time, it gets a bit, oh shall we say, TIRING/ANNOYING/EXHAUSTING/ETC/ETC. If I were running the country (eeks!), I think I would like to know a few more things about those trying to live here, aside from if they have ever been convicted of a felony or tried to commit espionage against the United States.

I know, I know - those are important things to know, but they are so boooooring - aren't they? Except the espionage part, that could be kinda cool. KIDDING, LOVELY IMMIGRATION PEOPLE AT HOMELAND SECURITY - I LOVE YOU!!!

No, no, no - If I got to design these applications and questions, I would DEFINITELY want to know the following:

1) Have you, or anyone you know, ever been to a Justin Guarini concert?

This would be a BIG red flag!!!

2) Between the years of 1987 - 1995 did you ever own any of the following: a slap-it bracelet, a skip-it, LA Gear shorts with a hand-print on the butt or a Tiffany, New Kids On The Block, Debbie Gibson or Wilson Phillips T-Shirt? If you answered 'yes' to 2 or more of these questions, please move to the head of the line.

That's right - when I rule American immigration, we deal with actual lines - if it works for 3rd graders, it can work for me.

3) What is the greatest movie ever made in the history of making movies ever in the world?

Correct answer: The Wizard Of OZ. All other answers would be scored on a case by case basis. Any and all answers mentioning films starring Steven Seagal would be immediately denied. Sorry folks, but I'm the boss around these parts.

4) Do you think that penguins are cute? What about sheep with black faces?

A LOT could be determined about a person based on their answer to these questions.

5) How long have your parents known you?

Think about it...this question has the potential to weed out the dim-witted.

6) If you became famous, what would be the one thing that you wouldn't want anyone to know?

Quite frankly, this question is genius. If they tell you, you get to find out the worst thing about them and then judge based on that. Secondly, it also give you a chance to question their intelligence as they JUST TOLD YOU THE ONE THING THEY WOULDN'T WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW.

7) What is the lateral area of a regular octagonal pyramid if the length of each base edge is 5 cm and the slant height is 9 cm?


8) If you could turn back time, if you could find a way, would you take back those words that hurt me, so I'd stay?

The more creative the answer to this doozy, the higher the chance of gettin' on in.

9) Have you ever been denied prior access to the United States due to bad B.O., talking to yourself on street corners with a bottle of cheap gin in a brown paper bag, public urination or driving 10 miles below the speed limit - in the fast lane?

Deny, deny, deny.

10) If the bridge to nowhere was a bridge to somewhere, where would you hope that the bridge would take you?

This question has a bit of a philosophical edge to it...I'm really feeling this one.

Oh yes - the trials and tribulations of giving some humor to immigration. It's a tough job, but somebody has to make fun of it. Truth be told, at times during this process, if I didn't laugh, I would cry. And if I cry, poor Dan just has to listen to me and calm me down - so I am choosing today to laugh.

This has also left me wondering, however, if YOU got to pick some questions - what would you want to know? What are the deal makers and deal breakers, in your mind?

And, not in a political, no...we are much to in need of a laugh to get all serious with politics - but just a fun, stuff-I-like-to-know-about-people-for-no-good-reason kinda way.



  1. This is hilarious, Jocelyn. I think you're onto something! Thanks for the laugh this morning. :-)

  2. Wonderfully funny are so, you need to contact the IRS and revise their forms too! Have a great day!

  3. Not all blogs do this to me... but (and this is NO bull here) I REALLY laughed our loud as I read this whole thing...

    It could be the "If I could turn back time" or the Justin comment, coupled with the fact that I have been there and done that... but dang girl, you are so funny. I love this post. I'm going to read it to my man when he get's home, because he will really appreciate this...

  4. You're more sexier when you are laughing...imho. But, if you need to cry, please do, it will make you feel better, I'm sure.

  5. I am so happy you found a dress at JCrew. You have to post which one you got! :)

  6. I just started this process (except to Australia) - I'd much appreciate better questions, like yours! Also, I think people who don't think Dirty Dancing is awesomely bad should not allowed in. Just sayin'.

  7. Just so you know, my husband and I think this post is pretty much the best post of all time. If I could frame it, I would.

    My husband thinks a good question would be, "Can you speak better English than your immigration officer?" (Remember, he's coming from a place of having been there, done that)

    Oh I love this post...

  8. Bwhahahahaaa... This is the funniest post ever. No really, you should e-mail it to random people.

    I used to have slap-it bracelet and New Kids On The Block stuff. Who am I kidding. I told my mother once that I would love them forever! *shakes head* So I guess I'll move to the head of the line then :)


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